Bittersweet Beginnings

The Good.
Camping. Laughing. Singing. Hanging out. Making ridiculous sand castles. Doing QTs on the beach. Walking on the smooth, clean, cool sandy beach. The past two days have been amazing with my friends. Although I have about 20+ bug bites all over my body, although I have a slight sunburn, although I'm tired and sore, I would not trade it for anything. This, perhaps, may be only a few of the bright spots I have for my summer. Too bad it was so short. God had definitely blessed me and my friends. I am truly thankful for His grace.

The Bad.
However, after coming home, things went from light to dark. Being at home continues to be a struggle. My grades just added more fuel to this burning fire. Although I did well this semester, my parents just found out of my less-than-par grades from my previous semesters. I know this was my fault: my neglect and irresponsibleness in informing them of my grades. And I have repented and apologized for it. I wish I would have told them earlier, but I was just afraid of their response and the disappointment. They have such high expectations and anything below a 3.5 would not be acceptable in their eyes. As I listened to the barrage of ruthless and hurting comments, although it was painful, it has made me more determined to study harder. Although my heart is crushed and broken, I know God will build it up and give me comfort. Even so, this has made living at home 100x worse. Now, they are more controlling than ever. They have threatened to take my cellphone away, take my car away, my privileges to leave the house away. This poses a big problem because tomorrow I have church and I'm not even sure if I can go. Even worse, I'm not even sure if I can goto mission meetings anymore. I have prepared for missions for over a month now and I am feeling even more discouraged because of the turn of events. All I can think about is studying PCATs in order to please my parents. Nothing else matters. That is what they have drilled into my head after hours of yelling, bashing and criticism of my life. I don't even know what to do anymore. This is my struggle. I still do my QTs and pray, but it is becoming more of a challenge. I only hope and pray that I will be able to trust in Him and let Him be in control, with my parents and with my life.

I stand here, my heart broken and lost. So many times do I wish to be in Heaven with God. And now more than ever.